How Has the Continued Telling to Others Brought Serenity Into My Life as a Sex Addict
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 3)
This is Part Three of a post. In Parts One & Two I wrote about the recent report on Ravi Zacharias' sexual misconduct/abuse. To read Part One first, CLICK HERE. To read Part Two, CLICK HERE.
Wrapping up my thoughts on the Ravi Zacharias report, one more tweet from Samuel James is pertinent and well-put:
I think the "both/and" that Samuel presents in three short tweets underscores the important but difficult task we have in processing things like this. It would be easier to minimize what Ravi did. It would also be easier to "cancel" Ravi and act like he's never existed. But are either of those good options?
Some people are saying, "Yes, but everything Ravi said in his apologetic work and ministry was true and it is still as powerful today as it was then."
I would say… Yes it is, but also no it isn't.
One of my favorite comedians growing up was Bill Cosby. My parents had some of his live comedy albums and I wore them out, listening and laughing over and over to stories like "The Chicken Heart That Ate Up New York City" or "Natural Childbirth." And if I played those albums again today, you could argue that the stories are just as funny today as they were in the 70's and 80's when they first came out. But when I hear them today, I don't laugh as hard because the purity of the experience is gone. I now know something about Bill Cosby that I didn't know then, and it makes his work less pure to me. Still funny, but impossible not to be affected.
I also believe that everything I ever heard Ravi so masterfully say about the gospel and Scripture was and is true. And I believe it's important not to act as if he never existed or had a ministry. I believe many people are in heaven today or on their way there largely because of Ravi's ministry. That cannot be ignored.
But neither can the hundreds of women who were abused. Neither can the many RZIM staffers who were lied to, and who served this man without having any idea about what was going on. (There certainly seem to be those who were aware and/or had suspicions and did not speak up, but many had no knowledge or suspicion.) These people can't be ignored either.
So, where does that leave us? Where does that leave me? In a confusing, hurtful place where I see what a spiritual hero did and say, "This was terribly wicked." Where the truth Ravi proclaimed is still true, but is stained with the inconsistency of how we now know he lived his life in secret. Where I accept that short, pithy, easy answers to how we deal with this are going to fall woefully short. Where I learn more deeply how contemporary evangelical Christianity needs to continue to grow in our understanding and sensitivity toward how women are treated. Where I wake up every day with the knowledge that it probably won't be long before, within the ranks of evangelical "superstars," another one bites the dust.
I want my life to reflect that while for many years I was directly a part of the problem, now I seek to live every day being part of the solution. But while that is my pursuit, I am painfully mindful of what I read from Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer, which tells me that the best expectation I have is "that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen."
And amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to get help for recovery, including our recovery meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 2)
This is Part Two of a post. In Part One of my post I wrote about the recent report on Ravi Zacharias' sexual misconduct/abuse. To read Part One first, CLICK HERE.
The second extreme Samuel encourages us to avoid (in his tweet) is:
- "We're all one step away from being him."
Other ways I've heard people express similar sentiments to this phrase:
- "Look at all the broken people God used in Scripture."
- "My (fill in the blank with your sin struggle) is just as bad as his sexual sin."
There's a big difference between saying "That could happen to me," and "I'm one step away from that happening to me." The first phrase indicates a self-awareness, humility, and solemnity over what sin can do in anyone's life. But as Samuel points out, the latter phrase (I believe unintentionally) minimizes how egregious and horrifying Ravi's actions were.
Do I really believe I am only one step away from mismanaging the funds people donate to the nonprofit I lead, so that I can use those funds to bribe/coerce women into having sex with me? No, I do not.
Do I really believe I am only one step away from gaslighting/manipulating someone – using prayer – into having extramarital sex with me and framing it as an "opportunity" from God? No, I do not.
Do I really believe I am only one step away from rejecting statements of concern from godly friends, then going further and punishing those friends for daring to suggest I could possibly be engaging in risky behavior? No, I do not.
I believe I have the potential to do all of these things, given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances and choices over time. God knows the list of things I did in my addiction is long and troubling enough. But it is one thing to say "That could happen to me," and a very different thing to say "I'm only one step away."
Ravi didn't quickly, or overnight, get to the point where he abused women the way he did. It took more than one step for him to travel from being a man of consistent integrity (assuming there was a season in life when this was true) to a man who hid, lied, manipulated, mismanaged funds, mistreated, molested, and even raped.
Ravi had chances to ask for help, to confess his sin before it degraded to the point where it did. He didn't ask for help. I believe I understand better than some why he didn't. Asking for help is terrifying when you've done things that you know will damage or destroy your reputation or ministry. That's why I never confessed. Once I knew certain behavior lines had been crossed, I knew I would certainly lose my job and it would result in rejection and public shame.
But I also understand this: I was still responsible to ask for help, and to accept the consequences that came when I didn't. Another thing I understand: There are many others who have struggled with sexual brokenness that looked like mine in the early days, but who asked for help before it got out of hand.
I thank God that I was caught when I was, and that I had the opportunity to own my sin (even if not initially of my own choice). I also thank God that He intervened and caused me to be exposed before I did anything worse than I did. I would love to think there are certain things I "never would have done," and while I can't be sure, I know that the human impact of my sin – as devastating as it was, and as evil in God's sight as any sin – did not take the same human toll as Ravi's. I say this with all the humility I can…Ravi's sin was not more sinful than mine, but it was definitely more hurtful.
That's why the next tweet in Samuel's thread was important and relevant:
Yes, we all need to repent of our sin daily. Yes, we all need to be honest about our dark potential should we engage with our flesh. Yes, we all need to confess our sins like anger, lust, and pride. We all absolutely need to do this.
But not everyone is "one step away from being" Ravi. We have to acknowledge the weight of what he did, because he didn't take responsibility to get honest and to ask for help. This is the exact reason why it is so critical to ask for help.
We may never know the reason(s) why Ravi started down the path of deviation from God's design for sex. It could be that he could have received help that would have prevented him from doing as much harm as he did. It could be that we could have come to understand that maybe there were events/traumas in his life that contributed to his choices. I wonder how many would have rushed to Ravi to offer love, support, and help for him to recover and heal from his sin, and sexual sickness. I would have been one of those people. Tragically, because this didn't come out until after his death, we may never get that clarity, and we (all of us) are left with the mess he made.
Friend who is reading this while secretly struggling and trying to manage sexual sin… PLEASE…ask for help. You have not gone too far for redemption. You have not out-sinned God's ability to forgive and restore. I cannot and will not pretend there won't be consequences, but whatever they are, they are better than continuing down the path of destruction (for you and for others). Please, ask for help.
To read Part Three of this post, CLICK HERE.
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to get help for recovery, including our recovery meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Sin, Secrets, and Sexual Abuse…How Do We Respond? (part 1)
Ever since when, in the Fall of 2020, the story emerged that Ravi Zacharias had been accused of sexual misconduct, I've thought and grieved about it a lot. When the full report commissioned by RZIM (Ravi Zacharias International Ministries) was released on February 11, 2021, the truth about what Ravi had done was much more grievous and devastating than I had imagined.
For years before his death, Ravi was a go-to Christian apologist I would cite whenever I wanted to make a point and needed better words than I could come up with myself. Ravi was unbelievably intelligent and articulate, and had a way of presenting Christianity and the gospel that I admired. It was gentle but direct, humble but confident, loving but unquestionably biblical.
When the huge and hidden part of Ravi's life was exposed after his death, it was heartbreaking. I have to admit, and I'm not happy to say this (but it's honest)… My initial heartbreak was at having to process sadness and disappointment about the actions of someone whom I had admired so much. My initial heartbreak was not primarily focused on the women who were victimized by his unimaginable behavior. I am grateful for the eloquent and sensitive men and women who have written and advocated on behalf of Ravi's victims. My tunnel vision was not intentional, but it was certainly there.
So, as I've been mulling over this whole awful situation for a week now, I've been thinking, "Is there anything I can say to weigh in on this that hasn't already been said? Is there anything I could contribute that is helpful or necessary?" I'm pretty sure the answer to the first question is "No." Tons of articles, blogs, tweets and social media posts have been written about Ravi and what people feel/think/believe about it. Anything I write will be at best a rehashing of something someone else has already said, and maybe better.
As for the second question, whether my contribution would be helpful or necessary, I'm not sure. But if there's anyone who reads this and it spurs you to think more deeply and honestly about sexual brokenness & how it relates to responsibility, ownership, grace, the gospel – and how the Church has struggled to effectively address all of the above – then maybe there's value in it.
I was listening to a podcast from Christianity Today about the report on Ravi, and one of the people on the podcast referenced a thread of tweets from a Twitter user named Samuel D. James (@samueld_james). I want to use his tweets, which are concise and very true, as a jumping off point for some of my own thoughts.
Samuel first tweeted:
I want to talk about these two extremes one at a time.
- "That could never be me."
Other ways I've heard people articulate the first phrase include:
- "I would never do something like that."
- "I have my problems, but that's really messed up."
- "What kind of person would do something like that?!"
I love how Samuel succinctly reminds us that to say any of the above minimizes the heinousness of our own sin. I would add that making any of the above claims for ourselves is naïve, prideful, dishonest, and dangerous.
My own experience with sexual addiction showed me with painful clarity that just because a person hasn't done something YET doesn't mean it will never happen. Sexual sin, sexual addiction, unwanted sexual behavior – whatever way of referring to it is most comfortable to you – there's one thing I know to be true about it.
It doesn't stop where it starts.
Once we begin to deviate from the beauty of God's design for sexuality, we start down a path where we expect sex to provide something for us other that is unrealistic and unhealthy. There are multiple reasons a person might start down that path. For some sex is the comforting or coping method adopted early in life to sooth trauma or pain. For others, the pursuit of sex is a self-focused pleasure quest that doesn't start out seeming to hurt anyone. For still others, it can be much more sinister, an evil desire to dominate and degrade other people.
No matter what a person's back story, or the initial explanations for what starts us down that path, we do not typically come to a point where the deviation plateaus. Sexual brokenness/addiction does not become static, or status-quo. It is either getting worse or it is getting better.
So, to make statements like "That could never be me" is false and careless. Not to mention the spiritual implications. I almost shudder when I hear people making comments like this. I can imagine our spiritual enemy and his forces saying, "Yeah, I'll take that challenge." The person who "minimizes the heinousness" of his own sin invites spiritual attack that he is never prepared for.
To read Part Two of this post, CLICK HERE.
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to get help for recovery, including our recovery meetings (in person or virtual), contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
One Day at a Time
I have a 20-year old privacy fence around my backyard. The posts and rails are in good shape but the boards have been breaking and cracking and detaching over the years. One of my "pandemic projects" has been to replace all of the boards on the fence. I have spent many hot and sweaty hours replacing boards on this fence. It seemed like an immense amount of work and after a particularly long session this past weekend, I stepped back and took a look. Much to my dismay, I still have a long way to go !
I could have gotten discouraged thinking "I have done all of this work and there are still SO MANY boards that have to be replaced." But then I realized that this project is very similar to my recovery process. I am rebuilding my fence one board at a time .
My recovery works the same way – I recover from addiction one day at a time . If I step back and look at how long it will take me to complete my fence (or my recovery), it's overwhelming. But if I stay focused on the board that I'm working on, the job seems pretty easy. Pull a board out and replace it. Pull another board out and replace it. Not that hard at all.
My recovery is the same way – I just need to focus on today. Focus on the things that I can do that will allow God to work in my life today. Call someone. Go to a meeting. Read scripture. Pray. Meditate.
Today.
In Alcoholics Anonymous (and other similar fellowships), when someone takes a "one-year" sobriety chip, many times they are asked: "How'd ya do it?". And the traditional answer is "One day at a time." It's always a beautiful moment.I don't need to worry about tomorrow or next week or next year. I need to focus on today. Do the right things that will help me to recover today. Focus on the board right in front of me. And then one day, I will look up and my fence will be repaired and healthy.
* DISCLAIMER: I am not a handyman. If you read the story of my fence and laughed because you could repair the whole fence in one afternoon, more power to you! And, please give me a call, because I sure could use your help!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Step Six
" Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. "
One of my favorite phrases in the Big Book of A.A. comes after the description of Step 5. The passage says "Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last." To me this means that the hard work we have done so far has laid the foundation for fundamental changes in our lives. We are moving from a constant battle against addiction ("white-knuckling", if you will) to life of serenity and gratitude. We are getting to the roots of our addiction, not just the behaviors, but the underlying flaws in our character that have manifested themselves in our acting out. This milestone is where a spiritual awakening really begins to happen for many of us.
Willingness to be rid of our character defects is crucial. If we are not willing to change, we are just giving lip-service to this step. The Big Book even suggests that we ask God for willingness: "If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing." Hopefully, the work we've done in the first 5 steps will open our eyes enough to see where these defects of character have gotten us, but if we want to hang on to some, ask for willingness.
The action part of this step is to make a list of our character defects. It is sometimes helpful to go back and re-read our Step 1 and Step 4 writings and think about them through the lens of character defects. We look at our moral inventory for things like selfishness, manipulation, codependency, or a poor self-image. When making this list, try not to confuse deep human needs with character defects. For example, we all have the need for connection with others. That is not a defect of character. But manipulating people as part of those connections may be a flaw in our character. A therapist or a sponsor who knows our story can be really helpful in identifying defects that we may not see in ourselves. Intensive therapy sessions, such as the Roots Retreat offered by Awaken, can be helpful in this area as well.
One thing that I have found with my character defects is that they require daily surrender. One of my most memorable recovery meetings was a discussion of Step 6 and a brother in the program said "Sometimes, God will take away one of my character defects, and the next day, I take it right back!" That really stuck with me as a reminder that these flaws in my character do come back from time-to-time and that I need to surrender them each time they come up. Like many of the steps, being willing for God to remove character defects is not a one-time event – it is something we practice every day.
Another thing that I have found is that as I work on my character defects, it is a lot like peeling back an onion. There are layers to my character defects that I didn't see when I made my initial list. And I'm quite sure that there are layers that I don't see now that I will need to address as I continue to peel back the layers. All of this talk about onions and layers reminds me of my favorite scene from the movie "Shrek." I'll leave you with these words of wisdom from an ogre and a talking donkey:
Shrek : For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey : Example?
Shrek : Example? Okay, er… ogres… are… like onions.
Donkey : [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek : Yes…NO!
Donkey : Or they make you cry.
Shrek : No!
Donkey : Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they get all brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek : NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers… you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey : Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKE! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek : [restraining temper] I don't care… what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
May you begin to peel back the layers on your character defects today!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Developing a Sobriety/Recovery Plan
In any endeavor in life, whether it is business or personal, the chances of success go up significantly when there is a good plan in place and that plan is followed. You may have heard the phrase "plan the work and work the plan". Recovery from addiction is no exception to this rule. Some might be able to find sobriety without a good, solid plan, but most will not. So what does a good plan for recovery look like? In my experience, those who find sobriety and serenity generally incorporate each of the following elements as a part of their recovery plan. There is certainly more that could constitute your plan, but these are some of the fundamentals of recovery.
Meetings
A critical part of recovery is understanding that we are not alone and that there is hope. Attending meetings regularly helps us to see that we are not the only person in the world who has struggled with addiction. It also allows us to meet others who share our struggles but have found a path to sobriety. A good recovery meeting will be a place where we hear "experience, strength, and hope" from others who have walked this path before us. It is also a place where we can share our own experience, strength, and hope. The relationships that we form in these meetings will hopefully lead to people that we can call when we are triggered or need guidance. They can also lead to sponsorship – another critical element of a good recovery plan.
Therapy/Counseling
Many addicts have wounds from trauma in their lives. Professional counselling and therapy is a great way to address this trauma and learn how to cope with it. I recommend seeing a professional therapist who specializes in sex addiction and I also recommend some form of intensive counseling, such as the Roots Retreat offered by Awaken. Our addiction has a mental health component – the Big Book refers to it as "insanity" – and professional help is generally a big part of the recovery process.
Phone Calls
Staying in regular contact with friends in a recovery program is very helpful when we find ourselves triggered or need advice on what to do in a particular situation. As we attend meetings, many of us exchange phone numbers with friends that we meet so that we'll have a list of people to call. I recommend that you have at least 5 people in your list of recovery friends that you can call. If the first person on your list can't take your call, move to the next person on your list. And don't just wait until you are in a tough situation to call. Exercise those thumb muscles and call regularly, even when you are having a great day. Getting in the habit of calling friends in recovery will make it much easier to call when you find yourself triggered.
Sponsorship & The 12 Steps
Most of the people that I know who have found long-term sobriety have done so by working the 12 Steps with a sponsor – and continuing to work them on a daily basis. This simple program (yes, it's simple, but it's not easy!) outlines a plan of surrender (steps 1 -3), action (steps 4 – 9), and daily maintenance (steps 10 – 12) that will almost always lead to a spiritual awakening and freedom from addiction. As you attend meetings, look for someone that "has what you want" when it comes to recovery. Then ask them if they would consider being your sponsor. If they say "yes", call or meet with them regularly and follow their advice as much as possible. If they say "no", keep looking for someone else who has what you want.
Work the Plan
Now that you have a plan in place, it's time to take action. Making a plan is only part of the job. Start doing the things in your plan. Work on it every day. Recovery doesn't come easy – do the work and let God begin working on you!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Step 5
In my last blog post, we discussed the topic of honesty and how it helps us to become sober (and also how sobriety helps us with our honesty!). And while honesty is part of all 12 steps, the fifth step is all about honesty. When we admit the exact nature of our wrongs to God, to ourselves, and especially to another human being, our honesty is put to the test. The Big Book also references two other traits that are required when we work Step 5: humility and fearlessness . Let's take a closer look at these.
Through the course of our lives, many of us have developed a pride that has us convinced that we don't need anyone's help for anything. But when we walk into our first recovery meeting, that pride begins to crumble. When we ask someone to sponsor us as we work the steps, we are reaching out for help. When we admit that we are powerless over our addictive behavior and acknowledge that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, we start to learn humility. And this humility matures when we tell another person our whole story in Step 5.
Opening ourselves up to another person and telling our story requires fearlessness as well. Many of us have lived in fear of what others would think of us if they found out what we were really like. We had lived in fear of the consequences of getting caught. And these are valid fears. Our actions do have consequences and other people's opinions of us could very likely change. And for many of us, these things have already happened, which is why we started coming to meetings in the first place. But even if we haven't been caught, we still must be fearless and take this step.
So, who is the other human being that I am going to share this with? How do I pick this person? The Big Book uses the phrase "…someone who will understand, yet be unaffected." Don't confuse this step with a disclosure to a spouse or a loved one. A disclosure can be an important part of healing a relationship, but that is not the same as working Step 5. The whole "yet be unaffected" part of that statement tells us that our Step 5 should be shared with someone whom we have not hurt . This person could be a sponsor or someone we respect in our recovery program. It could be a doctor or a therapist. It could be a priest or a pastor. Personally, I recommend sharing this with your sponsor who has presumably already worked with you on Steps 1 through 4.
The Big Book uses one other phrase that I would like to highlight. When we take this step, we have already written our inventory and are "prepared for a long talk." I recommend setting aside two hours or so. I also recommend finding a place that will be free from interruptions. This can be a difficult conversation and you don't want to have to keep starting over, so plan the time and the place carefully.
I want to leave you with some words of hope from the Big Book – things that happen after we have worked this step. "Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator."
Whether you have worked Step 5 or are planning to work Step 5, may you find that delight and peace and ease!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Honesty
I don't know what the reverse of a "catch-22" is officially called, but when it comes to honesty and sobriety, their relationship is a "reverse catch-22". Being honest helps me to stay sober, and staying sober helps me to be honest.
There's a saying, "All addicts are liars," and while this certainly holds some truth, the fact is many addicts are generally honest people except when it comes to their addiction.
Shame and fear can turn an honest man into a liar pretty quickly.
Rigorous honesty is a critical component of recovery. Working the 12 Steps helps us put this honesty into practice. We find a sponsor and are able to check in with them when we are in our middle circle. We make a "fearless and searching moral inventory" and then we share it with another person (Steps 4 and 5). We are honest about our character defects (Step 6) and we are honest about who we have hurt (Step 8). We look for dishonesty in ourselves with a daily inventory (Step 10).
With the help of a therapist, many of us disclose our behavior to our spouse or our family. We are honest about our family of origin as we dig into our own personal trauma. By doing these things with rigorous honesty, we learn to be honest about the things that we have hidden out of fear and shame for so long. And what is the result of working this program with rigorous honesty? Sobriety!
And when we begin to become sober from our addiction, the things that we used to feel compelled to lie about are no longer a part of our life. Honesty comes easier to us and we learn to be comfortable in our own skin around others.
See? It's a reverse Catch-22! When we are honest, we become sober, and when we are sober, we are more honest. May you find yourself in this reverse Catch-22 today!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Identifying Our Triggers
One of the tasks that is generally a part of any recovery program is identifying people, institutions, and situations that often move us in the direction of acting out. As we recover and begin to recognize these triggers, we will be more equipped to prepare and respond to them without acting out. So, how do we identify triggers in our lives?
When describing Step 4 and Step 6, The Big Book of A.A. gives us some very useful suggestions that can help us identify triggers.
As part of our work in Step 4, we make a list of resentments and we make a list of fears. Resentments and fears seem to be universal triggers for all types of addiction. When we list these and talk through them with our sponsor, we begin to see some of our triggers more clearly.
Step 6 asks us to list our "defects of character" and become willing for God to remove them. As we write down our defects of character, we see things in ourselves that often lead to acting out. As we become more aware of resentments, fears, and defects of character, we can take action when they rear their ugly heads in our lives. Later in this post we'll discuss some possible actions we can take.
Another very helpful tool that will help us identify our triggers is counseling. A professional counselor or therapist who specializes in working with addiction can be very good at listening to our stories and helping us see those things that have often led us to acting out. Awaken can refer you to many qualified therapists who can help with this (click for link). There are also intensive programs such as the Roots Retreat men's and Roots Retreat women's where a lot of work will be done to help identify triggers. I highly encourage anyone in recovery to get some sort of professional counseling.
Once we have identified our triggers, how do we deal with them without acting out? One terrific tool for helping with triggers is the Three Circles. This tool was developed by SAA and is outlined in their Green Book. The gist of the Three Circles is that we list our acting out behaviors in the inner circle of three concentric circles. In the middle circle, we list our triggers or any other behavior or situation that might move us toward acting out. In the outer circle, we list behaviors that help us in recovery – things we can do that uplift us physically, emotionally, or spiritually. To me, the middle circle is where our awareness should be when we are in recovery. When we find ourselves in a middle circle situation, that is the time to take action. We should call our sponsor, pray, or read some recovery literature (see the previous blog series on Daily CPR!). We can go to a meeting or find something in our outer circle to do. Taking positive action when we feel triggered is a critical part of recovery and something we must learn to do in order to stay healthy.
The Big Book also suggests in Step 10 that we take a daily inventory of ourselves. We are told to continually watch for "selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these come up, we ask God to at once remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help." That's pretty clear, isn't it? When we see our triggers come up, pray about it, talk to someone about it, make amends, then look for someone to help.
If you haven't yet done the work to identify your triggers, I encourage you to do so as quickly as you can. Once you have the list, also make a plan for what to do when they come up. I hope that you find the suggestions in this post to be helpful to you today.
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Step Four
Step Four: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
Steps 1 through 3 of the Twelve Steps are things that mostly happened in our heads and with our words. We "admitted we were powerless", we "came to believe", and we "made a decision". These are critical tasks and it would be nearly impossible to recover from addiction without doing these on a daily basis. But there's not a whole lot of action involved. Sure, we may have written out a first step or said the third step prayer, but to this point, we haven't done much of anything. Step 4 is where that all changes. In fact, the beginning of this section of the Big Book says "next we launched out on a course of vigorous action…". Now we're talkin'!
What does a Step 4 look like?
I have seen two different forms for a Step 4. The first is a long document that follows the items outlined in the Big Book. The second is a worksheet; taking the same content and putting it in an easier-to-complete worksheet form. Either way is perfectly fine as long as it meets the criteria of "searching and fearless." I believe this means we spend a lot of time thinking and writing. I believe it means we directly acknowledge the things that we have done and the motivations behind them. I believe it means we don't sugarcoat our behavior. I believe it means we don't intentionally leave anything out. Of course there will be things that are left out unintentionally, especially if we've been dealing with our addiction for many years. Even with a very deliberate and thorough process, very few of us can remember all of the details of our lives. The point is that we do our best, and if something comes to mind later that we missed earlier, we write it down.
What is in a Step 4?
At first glance, we might think that a Step 4 is simply all of the things that we did as part of our addiction. But there is a lot more to it than that. The Big Book talks about looking at our lives from several different angles and I believe these are critical to a complete inventory. I recommend to my sponsees and others in our fellowship to include the following sections in a written Step 4:
Resentments
Early in my recovery, I found talk of resentments surprising. I didn't think my problem had anything to do with resentments – until I started writing them down. As I worked my 4th step I started to realize that I actually did harbor a lot of resentments. More often than not, they turned out to be the driving force behind my behavior. The Big Book says that "this business of resentment is infinitely grave…when harboring such feeling, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit …the insanity of [our addiction] returns…" After identifying these resentments in Step 4, the rest of the steps help us to learn how to watch out for resentments and to deal with them in healthier ways so that we can experience a life of serenity.
Behaviors
Just because we start our inventory with our resentments, this does not mean we blame others for our behavior. The Big Book goes on to say " putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done , we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?" This is the part of our inventory where we list the things in our lives where we have hurt others with our selfishness and dishonesty. And this list should not be limited to just sexual acting out – most of us have hurt people in other ways as well. These items should also make the list. This is not a time to sugarcoat our actions either. We don't need to qualify or put adjectives on the items on this list. In the words of Joe Friday, "Just the facts, ma'am!" Finally, because thinking through the ways we have hurt people can bring up many painful memories and emotions, it is important to remember that you are not the sum of your bad behavior . You have done a lot of good things in your life too. And these should go on the list as well. It is a complete inventory, after all.
Fears
I have heard it said that most of what we fear never comes to pass. Yet many of us spend a lot of time in worry and fear. While our resentments keep us tethered to the past, our fears tether us to uncertainty about the future. And serenity cannot be found in either the past or the future. Serenity is found by coming to terms with the present, in whatever form it takes. Listing our fears in Step 4 and learning to deal with them in the rest of the steps is a major component of having a successful recovery.
Final Thoughts on Step 4
It is often said that recovery is "simple, but not easy". And while the outline above is fairly simple, there is nothing easy about it. Many people get hung up on Step 4 and never complete it because of the amount and the difficulty of the work involved. But if it is important to you to get healthy and the 12 Steps is the path you choose, it is worth the effort . Put lots of prayer and thought and effort into the lists described above. Set aside some time each day to work on this until it is finished. This is the beginning of a "vigorous course of action" that will bring us the spiritual awakening described in the Step 9 promises. We will be closer to God than ever before, we will be able to look our fellow man in the eye, and we will have peace and serenity we never knew was possible.
May you find spiritual health, emotional health, and physical health today my friends!
-A grateful member of the Awaken community
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. If you want to know more about Awaken or our resources, email us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
Keeping Recovery Alive with "CPR," part 2
In our last post we began looking at three important daily recovery disciplines that anyone in recovery can implement. The first post was on making calls. You can read that post by clicking HERE.
[This is from our guest author.] The second part of the CPR acronym is "Pray." Although there are many different ideas and methods regarding prayer, here are some specific suggestions that have been helpful to me throughout my recovery.
The Big Book of AA offers these thoughts on page 87 when describing step 11:
"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives …As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action."
Another suggestion is to pray or meditate through steps 1, 2, and 3 each day. Acknowledge powerlessness, recognize your need for a higher power, and surrender your thoughts and actions as you try to "do the next right thing" today. These steps are not "one-time" events, but are disciplines that we should practice every day. Praying and meditating on these is a great way to do this.
Step 7 suggests that we ask God to remove our defects of character. It's probably not practical to go through each character defect every day – I think my initial list had 23 character defects and I keep finding more! – but we can think about the top 2 or 3 defects that have been most prominent in the last 24 hours. We can also look at our day ahead and think about any situations that might cause these defects to surface.
Finally, if we're not sure what to pray, we can simply recite the Serenity Prayer, the Lord's Prayer, or another prayer that we find meaningful. When saying these prayers, take them slowly and meditate on each word or phrase. Doing this on a regular basis can help us to find new meaning in these old, tried-and-true prayers.
[This is from Greg.] I so appreciate the perspective on prayer you've just read from our guest author. I just want to add a couple short thoughts of my own.
For a Christian who struggles with addiction, that person usually also has a difficult time connecting with God through prayer for help with the struggle. There can be a number of reasons. Shame is a typical one. Rather than run to God for the forgiveness promised in the Bible, we hide from him (like Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden), ashamed and afraid of being exposed. But God knows what we've done and He invites us to come back to Him and receive His help.
Another reason prayer can be difficult is spiritual abuse. Many who grew up in the church were taught wrong messages about God (i.e. He's angry, He's looking for a reason to punish people when they do wrong) or were constantly subjected to hellfire & brimstone thinking. Why would someone who struggles with sexual sin want to pray to a God like that? We often want to clean ourselves up first, before coming into God's presence; the problem is this doesn't work.
Finally, pride can be a reason we don't approach God in prayer. We want to fix it ourselves. We live life surrounded by messages of self-sufficiency. Here is where working the Twelve Steps really helps. If we understand and remember our powerlessness, our inability to bring change on our own, this will drive us to seek help from the One who really can help us.
In our next post, we'll take a look at the third element of CPR: Read. Stay tuned!
Awakenis a Birmingham, AL based ministry walking with individuals, couples, and ministry leaders who have been impacted by sexual brokenness & addiction. Our goal is to help people experience hope, connection, and healing through the gospel and the recovery process. For info on how to join our virtual meetings, contact us at info@awakenrecovery.com!
From Chaos to Serenity
"God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
How many times have we heard these words? Whether on TV or in a movie, or spoken by a friend or loved one in recovery, or even as we've said them ourselves. Continue reading From Chaos to Serenity
Source: https://awakenrecovery.com/tag/serenity-prayer/
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